


Safe Spaces

by DreamyScience



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst, Anxiety, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feels, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, This is probably the most hur/comfort fic ever, if there are any tag warnings I may have missed please let me know <3
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-26
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:21:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24381202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DreamyScience/pseuds/DreamyScience
Summary: He wants to know what it feels like to fly.He wants to learn how to adapt.
Relationships: Ash Lynx & Okumura Eiji, Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 20
Kudos: 85





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> \- Please read author's note as it may contain additional warnings that may not be available in the tags. -
> 
> Hey.  
> Look at us.  
> You're here, I'm here.  
> Thanks for coming on this journey with me.  
> I'm pissed off, so I finally decided to rewrite the fucking ending of this show-
> 
> Listen, if you clicked on this fic I'm assuming you know what Banana Fish is about, and how much pain and suffering is in that anime, but, in case someone doesn't know what they're in for, I'm gonna put some warnings here for em:
> 
> \- There will be many parts in this work that relate to sexual assault, rape, and various other types of intense violence. There will be no graphic depictions of the sexual violence, or sex scenes in general, but I thought I'd just warn everyone that we're probably gonna end up somewhere close while we explore the darkest parts of Ash's mind.  
> \- Lots of PTSD related flashbacks as well as other types of mental illness like depression and anxiety.  
> \- There will be graphic depictions of violence.  
> \- For now I don't think I'm missing any other warnings. But if anyone reads something I may have missed, please do not hesitate to let me know.
> 
> As always I hope you all enjoy this and please, take care of yourselves during mental health awareness month and all the months after that <3\. And always remember, Ash is alive because we said so.

**New York 3:30**

**Time now 3:16 PM**

Eiji stares at the time that the incoming flight from New York was supposed to land on the flight display screen. He looks down as he pulls up the long sleeves of his dark blue sweatshirt until their covering each of his hands. He’s convinced his left leg suddenly has a mind of its own because it won’t stop bobbing up and down insistently. His heart had joined in on this fiasco of nerves after he looked up at that time. It’s pounding a mile a minute now and he‘s sure he can hear roaring blood gushing in his ears blocking out the sound of everything else around him. Every second he has to wait for the plane to land digs a sharp claw into his mind, making him painfully aware of the passage of time. He’s painfully aware that there are 60 seconds in a minute, and 60 minutes in an hour because he feels as though he’s been subconsciously counting every single second, minute, and hour until 3:30 PM since he’d arrived at gate number 31 at 12:00 PM just to make sure he wouldn’t be late. Finally, he only has 14 minutes before they’d be seeing each other again. 14 minutes that still feel like an eternity.

He pulls out his cell phone to text Ibe and ask him _again_ what time the flight was supposed to come in, just to make sure for probably the 48th time that he didn’t get the time wrong even if he knows that doesn’t make sense because he’d just gotten off of the phone with the man at 2:00 PM. He already told him the time. Today, and many days before that. Including the day they bought the ticket together.

Ibe texts him back:

 _3:30 PM_.

_The plane is supposed to land at 3:30 PM._

He thinks to himself anxious probably isn’t a strong enough word for this level of anxiety.

He gets up from his seat, paces a couple times back and forth to try and convince his leg to stop, and then sits back down. It doesn’t work.

He looks at the screen again.

**New York 3:30**

**Time now 3:21 PM**

“God, _hurry up_.” He sighs exasperatedly.

Besides the all-encompassing, foreboding, apprehension he couldn’t even tell what other emotion he was supposed to be feeling right now. Excitement, joy, sadness, anger?

**New York 3:30**

**Time now 3:26 PM**

He’s slowly been leaning towards frustration recently because of what he’d come to know about the day he left America. When he found out that instead of coming to the airport like he had hoped he would, the person he wanted to see the most was off somewhere getting stabbed, and afterwards getting rushed to the hospital by the skin of their teeth. All because they were lucky enough that the librarian happened to be observant and noticed blood stains on the letter he’d written them.

He can’t help but feel like the letter was a bad omen now. That it somehow was the reason the man almost met his demise. He’s not exactly sure why but “ _I will always be with you”_ now sounded a little too close to something you’d say to someone lying on their death bed, which is exactly where he saw him the day after. The memory still haunts him like a ghost.

He shakes his head to snap himself out of his hysteria that he could feel coming on again, but the pictures that form in his mind are done so involuntarily. His could actively feel his heart slow as his sadness replaces his impatience.

He remembers that he looked what can only be described as _barely alive_. He was so pale, and struggling so hard to keep his eyes open. He was always a fighter, but even Max had to admit it after the doctor’s confirmed it, “ _this time it really looks like we could lose him_.” He said it quietly and privately over the phone and then switched the camera’s so that he could see him. Eiji sobbed when he finally could. His sharp bright green eyes were dull. His voice was so faint as he smiled and said his name, as he told him that he read his letter.

“Last I heard you were getting around in a wheelchair.”

He doesn’t look up from where he’s staring at the ground in a daze. Stunned by the sound of the same voice he’d just been imagining. Slowly, his gaze comes up.

His face isn’t deathly pale anymore, it’s full of life. His green eyes are lively and bright again. His voice has power and strength behind each letter that falls out of his mouth, but it’s still somehow soft and smooth when he speaks to him.

Eiji nearly stumbles as he stands up suddenly, nearly knocking Ash over as he wraps his arms around him. He’s afraid for a moment that if he lets go he’ll wake up. That he’ll go downstairs to find his parents waiting for him in the kitchen after his mom made him breakfast. That he’ll find out all of this was just a dream, and Ash was just some American boy he’d once met who was buried six feet under now without him even having the chance to even go to his funeral.

“Last I heard you were too.” He finally blurts out as he pulls back to look at him. Ash looks completely and utterly startled by his surprise attack hug. Eiji can’t help but smile in retaliation.

“So … you … heard about that, huh?”

“Max told us. He showed you to us when you were in the hospital. I asked him to.”

Ash’s eyebrows knit together in annoyance. _That goddamn old man is always sticking his nose in where it doesn’t belong, when I next visit I’m gonna give him a piece of my-_

Eiji presses his hand against the wound gently, and instinctively. He knew exactly where it was, his lower left abdomen.

“Seems like you just couldn’t get to me without getting scarred one last time.”

Ash’s expression relaxes, and he places his hand over his.

“Don’t you dare start blaming yourself for anything that happens to me.”

Eiji’s eyes are big, brown, and empathetic; slightly worried, but overall warm. A sense of ease and comfort overcomes Ash when he meets them. He’d really missed those eyes.

“Besides, it was worth it, since now that I’m here with you,” He reaches a hand up to cup the side of Eiji’s face, and brush his thumb over his cheekbone, “I can finally do this again …” his thumb rolls over his lips, causing a cherry red blush to flash over Eiji’s cheeks, and a soft gasp to leave his mouth. Ash closes his eyes as he leans forward to-

“ **It was worth it?!** ” Eiji nearly yells it. He takes a step back from him, dodging the kiss that was coming his way. His outburst manages to turn a few heads, but thankfully everyone quickly goes back to focusing on what they were doing.

Ash is stunned again.

“U-uh …”

“It was worth getting _stabbed,_ Ash?” His voice is low now, but angry, it’s seething with pure rage, “What do you even mean by that? Did you want to avoid me that badly that day? So badly, that you had to go and get into another fight. That you had to end up with yet more injuries that almost took your life-”

“-E-Eiji your voice is rising, and that’s not- that’s not what I meant. That’s not the whole story, you don’t know everything yet. C-calm down-”

“- _What I know is that you almost died that day_.” That line comes out as a soft, shaky whisper. In it he can hear the sound of Eiji’s heart, shattering into pieces as someone smashes it on the ground. The someone being him. The look in his eyes isn’t much different from his tone, “I have been-” Ash thinks he sees him hold back a sob as he pauses, he looks away from him and down at the ground when he blinks several times, he doesn’t look back “-sitting in here _since 12_ … _waiting_ for you, to step off that plane. I was debating- I was debating how I should feel when I see you. How I should feel when I talk to you. And I know now that I’m … _upset_ with you. I’m upset with you for running away from me. For trying to push me away. For trying to make me hate you until I didn’t want you in my life anymore.” Tears do start to fall from his eyes now, but when they look up again to meet Ash’s they hold strength and resolve.

“I’m tired of you making that decision for me.”

Ash starts to reach for him, and he can feel himself start to say something, but he stops and awkwardly rubs a hand on the back of his neck instead.

“Guess I really have some explaining to do huh?”

“You do.” Eiji says sternly, “You know sometimes, for someone so smart, you can act really dumb about the simplest things.”

Max’s words ring loud and clear in his head after Eiji says that, “ _For someone’s who’s brain works like a computer, you sure can’t seem to think straight when it comes to him.”_

He gives Eiji a defeated smile, “so I’ve been told.”

Eiji steps forward and hugs Ash again. The first one was frantic and scared and so full of disbelief. This one was, compassionate, and understanding, and full of the realization that Ash was really standing in front of him right now.

“You’re okay.”

“I’m okay.” He returns his hug; his hands rub up and down his back. When Eiji lets him go he can see his eyes are shining with tears again. He quickly wipes them on his sleeve.

“Hi Eiji.”

“Hi Ash.”

“If … you’re done being mad for now, can we-”

“I’m not going to kiss you.” Ash had actually been moving forward again after he asked, but he’s met with the palm of Eiji’s hand. “One, there are way too many people around. Two, just because I’m happy you’re okay doesn’t mean I’m not still pissed at you.”

Ash blinks, “ _huh?_ ”

“Three, who says I wanna kiss you at all? You haven’t even asked me out yet, and I haven’t asked you. We’re not even dating.”

Ash gently tugs at Eiji’s wrist to move his hand out of the way. Something about the smirk on his face is unsettling.

“ _Tsukiatte kudasai_.” He says with perfect pronunciation.

Eiji’s face turns three different shades of red, his mouth drops open.

“W-wh- _who taught you that?!_ ”

“Ibe-san used to teach me things when I talked to him, remember?” He wraps a hand around Eiji’s waist and pulls him close to him, “Henji o kudasai.” His pronunciation is bad with that for some reason. He doesn’t want to know how many times he practiced the other sentence until he got it perfect.

“You two together are so dangerous.” Eiji wriggles out of his grasp and takes a step back. Ash raises an eyebrow at him, his evil smirk hasn’t left his face.

“You don’t get any answers from me until I get my answers from you _Lynx_.” _Lynx_ comes out of his mouth dripping with poison.

“But that’s … a last name.”

“I know.” Eiji says before he turns to walk away from him quickly. It takes Ash a moment to realize that he’s supposed to be following him. He nearly runs after him, suitcase dragging along behind him loudly.

“How long are you going to be mad at me?”

“As long as I have to be.”

 _Who knows how long that’ll be then_ Ash thinks nervously.

“I _fucked up,_ okay?”

“Sing told me everything, and you know what, at first I wasn’t angry,” Eiji’s pace quickens, Ash continues to struggle to keep up with him as they weave through the airport crowd, “I was too busy crying about everything on the plane after not being able to see you to be angry.”

“How many times do you want me to say I’m sorry?”

Eiji stops abruptly and turns to face him. Both Ash and a man who was on his phone heading in their direction nearly run into him. The man lets out a soft _whoa!_ sound as he narrowly avoids their confrontation.

Eiji is looking him dead in the eyes.

“I don’t want you to say _sorry_ ,” after he says that, his tense posture relaxes, “Ash … I want you take this fear _out_ of me. This worry that you’re doing something you’re _not_ supposed to do, somewhere you’re _not_ supposed to be,” his shoulders slump, and for a moment he looks tired, “I want you to _stop_ putting yourself in harms way. I want you to _stop_ ending up in the hospital,” he sighs heavily, “I want you to be _happy_. It’s why I gave you those tickets.”

Ash silently stares at him, his green eyes shine with concern and understanding.

Eiji turns and walks at a slower pace as they approach the exit of the airport. Ash follows quietly behind, feeling more scolded than when Eiji yelled at him moments ago.

_I at least … owe him that …_

***

“What other sort of dangerous stuff did he teach you?” Eiji asks as he leans back in the driver’s seat of his silver Toyota Prius.

They’d arrived outside Ash’s apartment, which was a short drive from the airport. Ash think to himself that Japan doesn’t look much different from America. At least not yet. Ash looks up from his phone at the blurry coloured lights in the distance and the raindrops falling heavily on the windshield. He smiles when he looks at Eiji, and … _curse_ that pretty face. It almost makes Eiji want to stop being mad at him.

“Nothing.”

It’s a lie.

“Nothing as in nothing, or nothing as in you don’t want to tell me until you can use it against me at your convenience.”

Ash doesn’t answer him, his smile just tugs a little at his lips before he turns to look out the passenger side window at the building he’d be staying in for now.

“I hope I picked a good place to stay.”

Eiji side-eyes him for a second before explaining, “If I’m not mistaken these are … some of the most expensive apartments in Osaka,” he taps his phone to exit the google navigation, “I never even come over to this area because I have the fear I’d be kicked out since I probably look too poor to be around. They might assume I’m trying to steal from someone. That’s how expensive these are.”

Ash leans on his hand and quietly keeps staring.

“May I ask how in the world you managed to pay for this, or should I just keep my guess to myself?” He poses the way he asks half as a joke, half as a genuine question. He doesn’t know how kindly Ash would take to him mentioning Golzine’s name right now.

“I took the rest of it. All of it.”

Concern crosses Eiji’s features as he looks away from him and directs his attention to the steering wheel.

“I was supposed to be his son who inherits everything after all.”

Eiji places his hand over the one resting in Ash’s lap holding his cell phone, and looks up at him again, but he says nothing, Ash doesn’t look at him.

“I’m okay now.”

It’s another lie. They both know it is.

When Ash turns to look at him he has a cheery smile plastered on his face. He grabs Eiji’s hand so that their fingers are intertwined. He brings their hands to his lips to kiss the back of Eiji’s.

“It’s nice knowing that where I’m gonna be is one of the nicest places around. I want to meet your family, and your cute little sister.”

Eiji leaves it. He’ll focus on changing the subject with him for now. They’ll cross that bridge when they get there.

“Cute isn’t the word I’d use to describe that brat.” Eiji sighs, realizing he now he has _two_ monsters to deal with, “you can meet them later. It would be pretty sudden to take you over there today.”

Ash nods and smiles, “I also wanna go sightseeing. You’ll stick with me and take good care of me, right Eiji?”

Eiji gives him another heavy sigh. “Yes Ash.”

“Good.” He rubs his thumb over the back of his hand, “can you … stay with me for a little bit today? Or are you in a rush to go back home to your family?”

“I don’t live at home anymore. I’ve been enjoying photography so much that I wound up taking it up full time to start earning money after I got back. It’s helped me a lot and pays the bills for my new place. So, I’m a free man, who can stay with you anytime.”

Ash blinks at him, the tone he takes on lets him know that he wasn’t the same canary that couldn’t sing anymore. He could already tell this Eiji was different the second he saw him sitting by the gate after he’d gotten off that plane. He seemed stronger, more confident, more complete. His brain starts to wander off into wondering why that might be. He wonders if the world Ash had them in might have _forced_ him to become this way instead of it being a choice.

He has to shake off the thought, or else he knew he’d get yelled at again. This was probably not a good time to ask him if he ruined his life when he’s already upset with him about doing something that might have ruined his life.

“Then we can go to your place first?”

“If you want to.” Eiji says softly and shrugs. “You don’t have to go in there yet if you’re not ready.” There’s a hesitant message of _please don’t force yourself_ _to either_ hidden behind those words.

“Yeah, guess I’m not ready. I’d rather take things to your place anyway.” Ash says in a suggestive tone. It makes Eiji blush up a storm again.

“Please don’t say it like that.”

“Oh? Why?” He asks with false innocence. “Oh, yeah, it’s because you’re a gentleman. We’ll talk about it when we get there then-”

“ **Ash**.” Eiji says sternly.

Ash just laughs softly to himself and lets Eiji’s hand go so that he can start the car.

***

Eiji’s apartment is spacious, but minimalistic. Sleek with mostly black and white furniture, but also comfy because … well it belongs to Eiji. Ash can already tell it’s probably filled with sentimentality judging by the pictures he has hanging up on the wall in the hallway entrance near his front door. They look like pictures of friends and family. Parts of Eiji’s world that he truly cherishes.

“Make yourself at home, and please, take your shoes _off_. _American_.” He says before taking off his own and stepping inside.

Ash gasps, incredulous.

“Do you think me an ignorant fool?” He says as he also takes off his shoes.

“Sometimes. Yeah.” Eiji replies curtly causing Ash to growl at him. He ignores his irritation and goes to sit on his black sofa where he just slumps as if he’s the most tired person in the entire world. Ash simply follows and sits next to him. He leans on the back of the sofa as he looks at Eiji. He even looks more mature. As if he aged, just a little bit. Moments later he’s met with a forehead against his shoulder.

“You tried to kiss me twice earlier, in public.” He mutters shyly.

“Yes,” Ash says as he pets his hair. “What’s so bad about everyone watching us kiss?”

“It’s known to be a little more respectful to not to do something like that in public around here,” he explains, “also who said I wanted to kiss you?”

Ash moves to cup Eiji’s face with both his hands and turn him towards him, his eyes lid and his gaze softens when Eiji looks at him curiously.

“No one.”

He leans in and kisses him, thankful that this time he’s not abruptly stopped. Eiji closes his eyes and lets himself be kissed. He hands over the control of everything to Ash. The kiss is soft, and calming, and just a little apologetic at first; it slowly becomes more heated when Eiji places his hands on his hips to pull him closer. Ash pulls away just as he does so and smiles at him, with his eyes still closed, When he opens them he sees Eiji still searching for him. He nervously bites his own bottom lip. Eiji opens his eyes slowly, mouth still slightly parted as a soft lovesick sigh leaves him. He’s looking at Ash with eyes that ask him if he’s okay.

“Sorry. This just ... this just feels so weird.” He lets out a quiet breathless laugh, “It’s been a very long time since I’ve actually … _wanted_ to kiss someone.” He presses their foreheads together. “It’s nice.”

“It is.” Eiji’s grip on him slightly tightens. Ash is a good kisser. A _really_ good kisser. “Don’t apologize, okay? We’ll go at your pace.”

“We’ll go at our pace.” Ash corrects.

“You’re really good at this you know …” Eiji says absentmindedly while staring at his lips.

Ash doesn’t say anything, but hums as he brings Eiji in for another one. This time he immediately pushes his tongue into his mouth, asking for permission. Eiji grants it and they switch from something soft and sweet to desperate and passionate. Eiji is grasping at him as their lips actively move against each other. He grabs at Ash, can feel himself nearly overtaking the kiss as he tries to press their hips together by wrapping his legs around Ash’s waist-

Ash pulls away when he does that, almost instantaneously, it leaves Eiji still kissing at his cheek and then his neck. A nervous breathless laugh leaves him, as he gently pushes Eiji’s hips away so that they’re sitting next to each other on the couch again instead. He clears his throat.

“Actually, I- I don’t know if I’m … ready to feel _that_ yet.”

“O-oh.” Eiji says, his face is flush but full of concern when he looks at Ash and runs a hand through his hair. “You okay? I’m sorry. I got lost in the moment.”

“It’s okay. I’m okay. I know you’d stop if I asked you to, which is the only reason why I didn’t stop you at first.” Ash wraps his arms around him, “I can’t do much for you, but I think it’s cute how hard you are from just a little kissing.”

Eiji’s blush intensifies, “You’re- you’re really good at it,” he repeats.

“I know.” Ash replies, “Sorry.” He leans over to whisper into Eiji’s ear earning a shiver and a gasp.

“ _Stop teasing me_.” He says as he pulls him into a hug.

Ash hums happily, “okay.”

For a moment they just enjoy the silence and comfort of being in each other’s arms.

“After everything I thought I’d never see you again, you know? Never would have thought that something like this could be happening right now, and then when I heard you got hurt again,” he pauses, “I- I thought … I thought it would be the last time ...”

“I’m here now-” 

Eiji sits up abruptly, angry glare on his face again as he cuts Ash off, “and why didn’t you come see me off back then?! Why didn’t you come with Sing to the airport?!” There’s more sadness than anger in his eyes, “you seem like you have some kind of reason, so what was it?”

Ash opens his mouth and the closes it again before he looks away from him. He lets out a tense breath through his nose as Eiji just stares at him and waits. The look he gives Eiji when he looks back has eyes that sparkle with genuine remorse. Eiji thinks he can see them shining with tears that aren’t ready to fall yet.

“You didn’t … need to see me again before you left. I brought you nothing but trouble,” his eyes lid, and they look at Eiji’s lips briefly as he brushes his knuckles against his cheek, Eiji leans into the touch, “trouble, and suffering, and my stale unresolved trauma.”

“That’s not something you should have decided for me. You can’t keep blaming yourself for things that aren’t your fault either,” Eiji’s voice is calm but firm as he speaks, “bad people pursued us because they were bad people. You saved me _so many times_. You were protecting _me_ , and _yourself_ from _them_. There were bad things that came with all of that, but you need to stop blaming yourself for all of it Ash.”

After he says that, for some reason, all of it starts to flash before his eyes. His hand drops from Eiji’s face.

All of what they went through together before getting here, and even some parts prior that belong only to him. All of the death, and violence they’d been exposed to because of all the people they had to fight off. From the small gang members to the dead mercenaries.

Eiji was so close to ending up a monster like him after being kidnapped by Golzine.

Unexpected tears well up in his eyes as he realizes the first shared memories that they’d be reminiscing about were filled with never ending danger, sadness, and pain.

Eiji holds him close, and buries his face in his neck, “none of it was your fault Ash.” He repeats calmly.

The taste of rising bile fills his mouth at those words as he can’t help but picture pulling the trigger of the gun that shot a bullet clean through Shorter’s heart.

“Some of it was.” He says quietly.

Eiji cups his face and looks into his eyes, “ _stop_.”

Ash tries to look away again.

“Stop arguing with me about this. We just started dating, you want to start an argument this early on? At least let me know what living with you is like now first.” His conviction brings a smile to Ash’s face, he looks at him again.

“So, we’re dating now?”

“Yes idiot.”

The lighthearted subject change helps bring him back down to Earth.

“Then we won’t argue,” He kisses Eiji’s palm, “yet,” that earns him a soft growl. “You’re gonna have to learn how to make American food for me.”

“You mean _we’re_ gonna have to learn how to make American food for you.” Eiji’s voice is stern, “I have a feeling the only reason _you_ want _me_ to make _anything_ for you is so that you can complain about it after I do.” Ash just gives him a sly look at that. Eiji sighs. “At least I know that hasn’t changed.”

“We have a lot of catching up to do. It’s been what, almost a year?” Ash can’t shake the thought that this Eiji seems so different. So much bolder, and more mature. However, he still managed to somehow maintain his same gentle demeanor. He can tell he has a lot to learn about the new him, and that he eventually wants to learn about what happened to the old one. “ _Eiji_.” he starts quietly.

“Hm?”

“Are you okay?”

Eiji registers the weight behind the way he asks it. It’s not a normal are you okay. It’s a question loaded with the knowledge that they were finally in a safe enough environment where Ash has the time to really wonder if they’re both okay or not beyond the scope of wanting to keep both of them alive.

“Seeing that you’re here now,” he pauses, then lets out a sigh of relief as he lays his head on Ash’s shoulder again, “yeah. I’m okay. Are you okay?”

Ash hesitates to answer with the images of everything still rolling through.

“... Yeah. I guess so.”

***

“You sure you’re gonna be alright in there without me?” Eiji is leaning against the hood of his car, arms in his pockets as Ash stands in front of him.

“Yes,” Ash wraps an arm around his waist with practiced ease, causing Eiji to let out a soft squeak, “are _you_ gonna be okay without me?”

“I said no PDA.” Eiji says in a quiet but panicked tone.

“Oh yeah, my bad.” Ash says without any apology whatsoever in his voice.

Eiji growls at him for the 50th time that day, “go home already.”

“Thanks for dropping me off and being a gentleman and all that. I had fun. I hope you did too.” Ash’s suggestive tone is back, it makes Eiji’s blood boil. He groans and turns to head to the driver’s side of the car as he rubs his hands down his face exasperatedly. He stops before he opens the door, “don’t hesitate to call me if you need me.”

“Okay.” Ash gives him a reassuring smile, and then heads into his apartment.

***

_He holds the gun steady in his hand. He’s ready to fire it._

_“But you won’t.” Golzine says simply as he steps forward towards him. The gun presses against his forehead._

_“I told you you can’t, so you won’t.”_

_Ash pulls the trigger. Feels the gun shake pitifully against the man's forehead in his hands as it tries to fire._

_Golzine is still staring at him. A victorious smirk forms on his face._

_He pulls the trigger again._

_It doesn’t fire._

_He tries again._

**_Fuck! Why isn’t it firing!?_ **

He shoots up out of his bed in a cold sweat and looks around his apartment desperately. His head is swimming and disoriented. He can still see the image of Golzine’s smiling face behind his eyes. Reality slowly starts to come back as he breathes deeply.

His apartment is big and spacious, and that makes it feel even more empty. He hugs his knees to his chest, and sighs.

At least that was one of his less frightening nightmares.

He thinks about calling Eiji, picks up his phone off of his nightstand even, but eventually puts it back down.

It starts to ring right after. Eiji’s name and number flashes on the screen.

He picks up, and doesn’t say anything at first, neither does Eiji. There’s just soft breathing on the other line for a moment which leaves him confused.

“It’s a little late to be calling me. Do you need something else from me? Earlier wasn’t enough for you.”

“Hey …” Eiji finally says quietly. He sounds like he wasn’t paying attention to the words coming out of his own mouth, and like he was still half asleep, “… are you … are you alright in there?”

He leans back against his headboard and stares out of the huge ceiling to floor windows that gives him a clear view of the city. They remind him of the time Blanca almost shot him while he was pretending to be a 15-year old boy soliciting himself for sex to get information.

“Yeah. Why?”

“I woke up.”

Ash chuckles, “Yeah. I can see that.”

“I haven’t woken up at this time of night in a while. I used to a lot, because you’d have nightmares, and you’d wake me up. Maybe seeing you again, made all that come back.”

Ash is silent for a moment as he continues to stare out the window.

“I’m sorry if I worried you then. I’m fine.”

“ _Liar._ ” Eiji says simply.

“What-”

“After you had them, you’d be up for the rest of the night. Like you are now.”

He sighs and drags a hand down his face, “If you knew that then why’d you even ask me?”

“I wanted you to tell me.” There’s shuffling on the other line, it’s the sound of Eiji moving. He eventually hears a yawn escape him, as if he were finally waking up. “I should have stayed.”

“You _could have_ stayed, but you ran after I tried to kiss you again, like a coward.”

“That’s not why I-,” halfway through his sentences he realizes arguing with Ash about that is futile, “I’m staying over next time.”

That for some reason makes Ash stomach drop to his feet. He feels sick again.

“You don’t need to see me having any more nightmares.”

“I thought we’d agree to not argue over you telling me what to do. Didn’t we have that talk already?”

“You’re waking up like this in the middle of the night from just seeing me in person after a while … I feel like I’m the cause of that. I’ll make this worse if you’re around me all the time and I don’t think it’ll be good for you-”

“I’m coming over.” He hears shuffling again, this time he knows it’s the sound of Eiji standing up.

“And you’re going to ignore _everything_ I just said, aren’t you?”

“Yeah I am. Now you know how I feel, Lynx.”

Ash lets out a pained sound. “Stop using that last name on me. Makes me feel like I’m really in trouble with you.”

“Because you are,” he hears what sounds like Eiji’s front door opening and closing. He’s fast. “Should I use _Callenreese_ instead? Or maybe just _Jade_? … hmm no I’ll use Jade for something else.”

“You’re making plans to use my own name against me. How cruel.”

“I’m on my way to you so be ready to open the door, Jade.” Is all he gets in response before he’s met with the dial tone.

He looks at the phone screen before putting it back on the nightstand.

“ _Stubborn_.”

He’s not sure if he should be angry or not that Eiji had completely ignored him and is telling him what to do. Soon he was going to be barging into his house after he told him he wasn’t sure if he wanted to him be here, or … actually no … he didn’t say that. He didn't say he wasn't sure at all. He told him it was too dangerous.

He knows he’s been making excuses. He keeps putting words into Eiji’s mouth and determining what kind of thoughts he should be having. He’s was well aware of it. He was also well aware when he was trying to push him away again. Keeping his distance because he’s afraid of what getting close will mean right now. He doesn’t want to curse him again, to put him through any of what they just got done dealing with, again. Ash is already reliving parts of it. Even if it’s all in his head he felt the urge to protect Eiji from all of it to protect him from himself.

That’s the best thing that he can do for him.

_Right?_

***

Eiji smiles at him when he opens the door. He leans against the door frame casually and crosses his arms.

“Good night neighbor.”

He feels like being pissed at him after all. So, he acts pissed.

“You didn’t have to come over.”

“I know.”

“ _Why are you here then_?” The question comes out low and threatening.

“ **Because I want to be**.” The look in Eiji’s eyes are nothing less than fierce, and stubborn as he returns his tone.

They stare each other down for a few seconds before Ash lets out a frustrated sigh and turns away from him to go into his apartment. Eiji steps in and closes the door behind him.

“So, after I told you that I was angry at you for pushing me away you’re just going to keep pushing me away? That’s your conclusion? That’s your brilliant plan here?”

“I didn’t want you to come over.”

“Oh? At least you’re finally admitting that rather than making up excuses for why I shouldn’t be-,” his tone had been teasing at first, until he takes a good look at Ash’s face, and sees the dried tears going down his cheeks, “you were crying.” He says as he grabs his chin and turns his face towards him. Ash moves out of his grasp.

“ _Leave me alone_.” He heads towards his bedroom, Eiji follows him.

“Never thought I’d see the day where you’d turn those claws on me.”

Ash ignores him.

“Why are you so angry, huh? What did I do to you?”

“You came over.”

He’s in his bedroom. Eiji is in his bedroom. They’re in there together because he can’t run from him. He’s not letting him, and for some reason when Eiji doesn’t let him run, he doesn’t feel trapped.

He sits on his bed. Eiji stands in front of him.

“Yeah I did, and I’m not going anywhere. Since, last I checked, I haven’t seen you in a long time, and now that we’re back together. You’re still trying to run away from me.” He didn’t have to point it out like that. “Don’t you know that only makes things worse, for both of us?” His voice is soft when he says that, and even tempered. Ash for once sees him as scared, tired, and worried rather than just stubborn. “What do you want me to do when you act like this,” he kneels in front of him, and looks up into his eyes one of his hands come up to rub his thumb over his cheek as he turns his face to look at him, “it makes me want to run after you more.”

Ash gently pulls his hand away from his face to look away from him again.

“You’re being like this for no reason. It’s like you’re throwing a tantrum.”

“Because I am.” Ash looks at him willingly this time with a defeated look, “I was." He sighs. "Forgot that doesn’t really work on you.”

“It never will.” Eiji says softly before he stands up to flop himself on the bed next to where Ash is sitting.

“You were gonna sleep in this, alone?”

“I mean … it’s my bed so … yeah.”

“It’s the size of my apartment.”

“It came with the room.”

“Hm.” Eiji places his hands under his head and looks up at Ash from where he’s lying. Ash flops backwards next to him then scoots closer until their sides are touching.

“You’re meeting my family tomorrow. I’m gonna tell them how mean you were to me tonight.”

“Go ahead. I’ll be mean to all of them if they act anything like you.”

“… Bully.”

“You’re a bully. You bullied your way into my bed.”

Eiji sits up abruptly and has the most betrayed look on his face Ash had ever seen, “that’s not what-” He blushes, “-stop saying _innuendoes things_ like that!”

Ash just smirks at him. The look in his eyes clearly tell Eiji _I will not_.

Eiji huffs angrily but lays down next to him again.

“Kaede is excited to meet you. I think it’s because she’s seen the pictures of you that I took.”

“I’m excited to meet her too,” he smiles, “sounds like she’ll be good at helping me come up with ways to torture you.”

“You’re in for a surprise with that. She likes to torture 'pretty boys' that she likes.”

“Seems like you both do.”

“I don’t like you though.”

“H-hey, that’s so mean …”

“You’re cute and a great kisser, but I don’t like you.”

It’s Ash’s turn to huff. “The feeling is mutual.”

They lay together in comfortable silence after that. Eiji’s presence adds a certain kind of peace to the environment that he knew he was missing. He just didn’t want to admit that earlier.

“Fuck,” He lets out eventually, “I have to apologize for tonight, too, don’t I?”

“Maybe.” Eiji shrugs.

“Thanks. For ignoring me.”

“You’re welcome.” Eiji turns towards him and wraps an arm around him. He nuzzles gently into his shoulder. “It doesn’t make sense for you to try and do this alone right now, in this new environment. It must be scary even If you don’t want to admit that. Even if this is safe, I want to stay with you at times like this, and you probably wanna stay with me too. Just to make sure I’m safe along with you. That’s how you always were when we moved around.”

Ash starts to feel tired. Feels his fear and tension start to melt away at the sound of Eiji’s voice and the way he talks about their past as if it didn’t destroy him and ruin his life like Ash wanted to assume it did.

“You were right. Again.”

“Mhm.” He can hear the smile on Eiji’s face from that, cocky bastard, “get some sleep.”

Ash sighs again. He’s already passing out. His eyelids are too heavy, and his brain feels too foggy for him to come up with a witty quip to knock Eiji off his high horse. So, he lets him have this one.

“Fine, but you have to too.”

“Deal.” Eiji mutters sleepily before they both drift off.

Ash thinks to himself that he feels like he'll actually have a dreamless sleep tonight before his world fades to black.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey chapter 2! Thanks for being here to read it friends. Sorry it took so long, life is a lot right now.
> 
> Some warnings before you go in to this one:
> 
> \- PTSD episodes  
> \- Mentions of past sexual abuse, though it's nothing explicit  
> \- The dream Ash has involves some gun violence, though it's predominantly about a gunshot wound.  
> \- Lots of arguing  
> \- As always please don't hesitate to let me know if there's anything that I missed

The silence in his apartment when he wakes up is overwhelming.

The peace that surrounds him is unswerving, rigid, and certain; all of it is nothing less than _unsettling_ to him.

He can feel Eiji’s arm draped across his chest, his forehead is pressed up against his shoulder. As his brain continues to lose it’s early morning (slightly jet-lagged) haze, he begins to hear the soft sound of Eiji’s breathing too. It washes over him yet again with the reassurance that they are both **_okay_** right now.

Unfortunately, something else soon follows that comforting realization: The cold, _unshakable_ , antithesis of the tranquility that hangs over his head, and stares down at him with a sinister gaze: The ominous ticking sound of a bomb that only he can hear. It always starts mild, negligible. Just a nudge of paranoia that eventually transforms into the forceful shove of being watched.

He knows this monster is going to grow into something bigger than just a feeling, and it’s going to grow soon.

He can’t help but to glance at the tall windows again. There’s no way in hell he was ever going to be able to sleep if he keeps leaving them open.

A bullet flies through them as the thought crosses his mind. It goes clean through his skull right between his eyes. He watches as his own body falls limp, blood comes seeping out of the fatal wound not too long after and begins to soak his sheets.

When he blinks the horrific imagery back into his mind he finds that he’s actually still staring out the window. Unhurt. He does however, still feel like he’d been killed.

He finally turns away from the view of the city, and towards Eiji, who’s still fast asleep. He’s careful not to disturb him as he twists around under his arm. He closes his eyes again and new images play vividly. They’re no more friendly than the bullet going through his brain. The irritation from having no control over them walks all over his attempt to comply with his internal reasoning of the fact that they aren’t even real.

Sergi isn’t here, and even if he was, they’d made their peace with each other. He’s not trying to kill him here. He wouldn’t try to kill him here. **No one.** Is trying to kill him here.

So why is he still **_petrified_** of the false reality that someone **could**?

He opens his eyes to look at Eiji again. His breathing is still calm and peaceful. He finds himself being a little envious of how oblivious the other man could be at times but he mostly finds himself feeling relieved because of it.

Eiji’s hair has grown longer. His face shape is still the same, however his features have simultaneously seemed to have also sharpened and grown more mature-

_-You’re in danger._

The thought is sharp, clear, and _not_ his voice. He tries to bury it. Focus on Eiji. Focus on safety … he tries again.

His eyelashes have grown longer, and he’d never noticed how-

_-He’s in danger too._

“Shut up!”

He sits up abruptly, jolting Eiji awake violently in the process. He makes a soft sound of alarm, and looks around the room frantically before he rests his eyes on Ash’s hunched form, a hand comes up quickly to drag down his face. A shiver of irritation crawls up Ash’s back. Their peace had certainly been shattered.

“What is it?” Eiji asks. The way he’d woken up so quickly gives Ash an unnerving sense of déjà vu. This was too similar to the nights back in New York when they’d have to bolt awake, and rush out the door of the latest hideout they’d been staying in after they’d been found out.

If they’re gone just like that after hearing Eiji’s voice, then he can write them off as nothing. They don’t need to worry about it. Those thoughts were _nothing_.

“Nightmare.”

It wasn’t completely a lie. He wasn’t shutting him out that way, it’s the truth, it was just another nightmare. The only difference was his eyes just happened to be wide open when he was having it this time.

Eiji fully sits up and rubs his back slowly. Ash can feel, more than see, the way he looks at him because he can’t bring himself to look into those empathetic eyes right now. They’re gentle and caring and they too strongly contradict the fact that nothing is wrong right now. Following that look, comes the inevitable soft-spoken,

“… Do you wanna … _talk_ about it-?”

“No. I don’t want to talk about it.” Ash replies immediately. “Maybe I’ll tell you later.” A smile tugs at his lips. “I’m meeting your family today right?”

He celebrates silently when Eiji just gives him a sleepy nod before leaning into his neck. His movements are languid and slow. Ash can hear the drowsiness that lingers in his vocal chords.

“Yeah.”

The confirmation leaves him with a light feeling at first, and then the anxiety begins to hit immediately after; dropping on him like a 10-ton weight.

_Does his family know that I was the reason he got shot?_

_Does his family know about all the things I put him through back in the U.S.?_

His guilt creeps up his back slowly. He wonders if he should ask, and then hates himself for having to have that thought in the first place. Maybe he’s not ready to meet them quite yet ...

“You seem worried.” Eiji says through a small laugh. Ash wonders if he has some kid of sixth sense, that could be troublesome if he does. “Don’t worry, they’ll probably do most of the talking if you freeze up. They think you might have … well … you’ll see when we get there, they-”

“It’s not-” Ash starts, cutting him off, “It’s not … that.”

“… It’s not … what?”

A heavy sigh leaves Ash.

“I don’t know if I’m ready to meet them yet.”

He braces himself, but despite the mental preparation the question grates at him all the same as Eiji sits up fully to look at him again.

“How come?”

He lets out a deep sigh. “I just don’t think I’m ready Eiji.” It comes out snappy and defensive, and Ash already knows that he’s begun to dig his own grave, but he can’t stop. They’re both quiet for a moment before Eiji still doesn’t say anything. He just hums softly in response as if he knows something. He probably does, but Ash will deny it until he’s done digging and buries himself alive.

“We can stay here then, until you are.”

“You don’t have to hover over me like this.” He already hates the words before they leave his mouth. “I’m good on my own.”

Eiji’s silence is deafening after that. He’s quiet until Ash slowly looks over to see the angry look on his face. There’s a little wrinkle in his brown that really emphasizes his frustration, and for some reason he can’t help but also find it as ridiculously attractive as it is intimidating. 

“Did you just forget everything we just talked about yesterday?” His voice raises slightly with the question, “It hasn’t even been more than 24 hours, and you’re already back to doing this to me!” Tears threaten to fall from his eyes as his voice waivers. “You’re doing this to me again Ash!”

They hold each other’s gazes until Eiji stands up suddenly with a huff to pace back and forth in front of the bed angrily, grumbling to himself under his breath in Japanese as he does.

“I’m _sor_ -”

Eiji turns towards him and waves his hand in one swift angry motion, “I swear If I hear you say _you’re sorry_ to me _one more time_ I might actually break something in here.”

That stops him in his tracks. “I’m not sure of what else to say-”

“You don’t have to say anything then, how about you do something for me instead? _Stop_ fucking doing this to me.”

Ash’s eyes widen as he moves to sit on the edge of the bed before hesitating. He fidgets uncomfortably, obviously torn between getting up to physically comfort his boyfriend or staying where he is. “I’ve never heard you curse before.”

“Yeah,” he scoffs, “because you were too busy being sidetracked, or getting stabbed, or being in the hospital to see me this pissed!” The words hang in the air between them for a moment before they settle. Ash looks away from him in shame.

Eiji knows this is from all that build up, the resentment he tried to get over again and again because he had to constantly remind himself that it’s all less important than Ash being alive. Maybe he was angry, and not just disappointed after all about Ash not being there for him. Neither of them could really tell.

“I guess I’m a liar just like you huh?” He’s visibly _seething_ as the reality hits them both about Eiji’s rage and disappointment. His anger seems to burn him alive as if he’s on fire until it all dissipates all at once. He wraps his arms around himself before sinking down to the floor as cold melancholy sets in instead.

Tears do finally start to leave him then. He’s crying, and then, he’s sobbing.

Ash’s arms are around him almost immediately. His voice is a sick twisted combination of empathy and sympathy as he tells Eiji that this is all his fault that he’s like this, and that he’s sorry, for the billionth time. Eiji blocks more of the words out, his own come barreling through at lightning speed instead,

“I’m tired of you comforting me after you hurt me, just stop hurting me. _Please_ … please stop.”

“ … I’m- I’m not sure if I can promise that to you, but I can promise you that I’ll try.”

Eiji lets out a small laugh, he feels his heart twist in his chest.

“You keep apologizing to me, but I guess, I’m sorry too.” He wipes his tears on his own sleeve, “It’s probably still hard to try and tear your walls down when you’ve been forced to keep them up for so long. I think- I think everything is also finally hitting now that you’re _here_. It’s a lot. It’s so much.” He leans into Ash’s touch and lets him fully wrap his arms around him.

“It is.” Ash responds simply. He holds Eiji close, and lets him cry. He berates himself for thinking that Eiji is oblivious earlier. He’s not some ignorant child, and he silently promises to himself that he’ll stop treating him as such.

“My head hurts …” He looks exhausted, “maybe you’re right … we can always see my family later. I- I don’t want them seeing me breakdown down like this again, all of that kind of just stopped recently, when I heard you were alive.”

Ash just makes a soft sound of acknowledgment.

“One of the reasons I wanted to start living on my own is because I didn’t want them to see me like that all the time,” he sighs, “and I guess I knew that when you’d finally be seeing me, I’d want you to … take some responsibility for it. I know this is my own battle to make peace with but ... well … I’m just glad that you’re here now.”

“That’s what I meant when I asked you what you wanted from me.” Ash gently wipes one of his missed tears off of his cheek. “I’ll take responsibility. I’ll do anything you ask.”

Eiji turns into his grasp and gently nuzzles him. Ash smiles at him softly, and runs his hands through his hair.

“I told myself that I didn’t need anything. That I just wanted you alive.”

“Liar.”

“Yeah, I am. I keep lying to you, and telling you that you can always lean on me, but never the other way around. I’m wrong. I’ve been wrong this whole time.”

Ash kisses his forehead.

“Maybe we should do something low maintenance today, like go to a garden, or something …”

“Yeah, I’m good with that.”

His eyes scan Eiji’s face when he looks up at him, a soft blush coating his cheeks.

“Can I kiss you?”

Ash smirks at him before leaning forward slowly. Eiji pulls him in and kisses him almost desperately. Their lips slide together as he tilts his head to let Eiji lead this time. It was the kind of kiss that said “I’m glad that you’re alive,” because it reminds him that he is. Kissing Eiji heats him up. Brings up a feeling he never thought he had in him. When he hears a shaky moan over his lips before their tongues slide against each other it sends him soaring. In a strange way the pleasure also grounds him and brings him back to earth to remind him that it’s not such a bad place after all.

Before he knows it he’s breaking their kiss and pinning Eiji to the ground. He stares down at him with lidded eyes.

“What?” Eiji is panting, from just one kiss. Ash can feel it rushing to his head. “Did I do something?” He reaches up to cup Ash’s face.

“No.” He leans forward and curls into him, presses his forehead against Eiji’s shoulder to hide his own cherry red blush that he feels creeping up his face. “Nothing at all.”

***

Ash has no idea why he agreed to go to a garden of all places.

It’s so quiet he can hear his own thoughts and that … terrifies him. He struggles to immerse himself in the flowers, and trees, and peace because all that does is remind him of being a preteen and the long talks he’d have with Sergi after learning how to kill. Right after all that he was sent back in the house to do his … other work, and get taught other lessons, by Golzine and his men.

He stops abruptly while they’re walking, and just stares. His chest is tight and he can’t breathe, but somehow he keeps a straight face and manages to only look slightly worried on the surface.

“This garden isn’t very relaxing to you huh?” Eiji had stopped with him. Ash feels like his soul leaves his body when he notices. He can again feel rather than see the look of worry that Eiji gives him. “At this point it’s just painfully obvious that something is going on and we should probably head back home.” He loves the way Eiji calls his apartment home. It helps break the spell a little bit.

“I came here to escape, but it’s like I keep reliving everything anyway.” Ash whispers softly. “It’s not even happening when I’m sleeping anymore. I’m awake, and I can see, and feel … everything …”

Eiji has to wrap his arms around him and pull him into a hug, it doesn’t help. Ash’s body is the one that’s screaming while his mind is trying to tell him to calm down. He can’t bring himself to push away Eiji’s touch regardless.

“Let’s just go, okay?”

***

_PTSD can sometimes flare up in safe environments, this can sometimes be especially true for victims of prolonged abuse. When triggered, the physical body enacts that fight of flight response regardless of if there actually is danger or not. If you are accustomed to prolonged stress, it can be very difficult to adjust to a world without it._

Ash taps away furiously on his computer as he hunts down every peer-reviewed article, every blog post, every website that could possibly lead to some answers about why he seems to keep having silent nervous breakdowns when there’s absolutely _nothing_ to be nervous about.

It’s also not like he doesn’t know what this is.

He knows what this is. He’s been dealing with this demon for almost his entire life … it’s just never been this aggressive before.

He quickly shakes his head. This isn’t going to worry him. It’s going to sort itself out, and he’ll be fine. He’s never crumbled under the pressure before. Why would he crumble now, when there’s not even anything pressing on him? Flaring? No way. This is mild. This is small, not even comparable to striking a match. These are flames he can put out now that he’s here.

He receives a text, it’s from Max.

_“Dad:” **Kid, I swear to God if you don’t answer me I will come to wherever your dead body is and kick it’s ass.**_

Oh, right, he’d forgotten to call him back after he got off the plane. He doesn’t feel like calling right now either, so texting will definitely have to do.

_You: **Whoops. I’m fine**_ **😊** **.**

_“Dad:” **FINALLY**_

_“Dad:” **I CHECKED ON YOU AFTER YOU GOT OFF OF THE PLANE. WHY DIDN’T YOU RESPOND?!**_

_You: **I got distracted.**_

_“Dad:” **Well at least I know you’re with Eiji.**_

_“Dad:” **Sing asked about you too. He is mostly wondering how Eiji is doing though. We’re glad you’re not dead.**_

_You: **> :P**_

_You: **You’re such a responsible parent <3.**_

_“Dad:” **And you’re an ungrateful brat. I can’t believe I dropped you off at the airport and helped you get a fake passport just to be treated like this. I hate you.**_

_You: **Shouldn’t I be throwing the tantrum right now then since I’m the ungrateful brat?**_

_“Dad:” **I’m going to sick your boyfriend on you.**_

_You: **He’s been on me.**_

_“Dad:” **I don’t know how I’m supposed to take that but for the sake of my own sanity I’m going to take it as he’s been kicking your ass.**_

_You have no idea._

Eiji is curled up next to him on the couch watching TV. Ash didn’t try to send him home this time. He’ll admit to needing the company.

“So … are you gonna be okay?” Eiji doesn’t look at him.

“Uh … maybe.”

“Maybe?”

“I’m used to it.”

“Are you thinking that it’s something that’s going to resolve itself somehow?”

“Yeah,” Ash says slightly defensive, “ _and_ I think we can go see your family later after all.”

Eiji is just quiet. He continues to watch the TV. Then, in a sweet and caring tone he asks, “you’re feeling okay now?”

“Yeah.” Ash answers confidently.

“I’m just going to say it then, your willpower is not enough.”

That wasn’t said in the same gentle tone whatsoever.

As a matter of fact it stabs Ash in the ears when he hears it, and the way Eiji phrased it _heavily_ implied that this wasn’t a discussion.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

Doesn’t mean he can’t play dumb.

“It means you need to go and see someone. Soon. I went, started maybe 3 months ago, and I’m already better.”

Something erupts in him that he recognizes doesn’t sound like himself before the words even come out of his mouth. He doesn’t do anything to stop it though:

“The last time someone tried to force me to talk to a shrink was because I was trying to slowly kill myself to stop them from making me into their little doll.”

Eiji sits up then. His chest puffs out just a little as he pulls his shoulders back, yet again asserting himself which makes Ash (even in his defensive and angry state) shrink away.

The look in Eiji’s eyes say it all. They’re dark with rage. They ask him if he hears himself. They check him on comparing Eiji -of all people- to Golzine.

Ash has to look away from him. He knows how it sounded because he’d just heard it himself with this look that Eiji is giving him. Only 3 days here, and he’s already imbued with so much regret.

“My point has been made then. How much fighting are we going to have to do, before you realize you need help?”

“We haven’t even started fighting yet-”

“Are you implying that you want to start? Over something like this? You want to fight me on making sure that you’re taking care of yourself up there? We both know who’d win that one.” Eiji pokes his stomach, _hard_. “You know I’ve never been scared of you, I’m not gonna start being scared of you either. It’s not an option for you, Ash. You’re gonna go, and you’re gonna start taking care of yourself.”

“Fine.” He sighs in defeat, “ _fine._ Fine I’ll go.”

Eiji resumes being curled into his side as he watches TV. “Stop trying to self-diagnose. We’ll go to where I got help, and see what we can do there and if there’s someone who will see you.” He feels like the half-baked argument and Eiji’s demands should have made him feel irritated and angry, or unsafe, especially with whatever the fuck is going on in his head right now, but he feels protected instead.

Protected from himself? That was a new one.

He smiles slyly before wrapping an arm around Eiji’s shoulders. “ _relax_ babe. I’ll go.”

Eiji visibly huffs at the fact that Ash called him babe now of all times.

“We’ll go and meet my family tomorrow. Probably won’t be with them long. I think it’ll be good for you to meet them, and for them to meet you. My mom for some reason is really interested in you, and I can’t for the life of me imagine why. When I told her I was going to get you from the airport she kept reminding me to bring you over.”

Ash wonders why that is too.

“Hopefully I’m not infamous after all the things you probably told them.”

“Trust me,” he sighs exasperatedly, “it’s the opposite. Like I’ve mentioned, I think my little sister is just interested in your pretty face, my dad he …” Eiji trails off, “well he just … really wants to talk to you.”

Eiji’s expression turns worried, and it makes Ash’s stomach drop.

“Is that … something we should be worried about-?”

“No!” He says quickly, “No it’s just … when I came back in a wheel chair they were really … and then I went for months just … really depressed … and- and I shared a lot of things with them … about you … my dad is just … well you’ll know when we get there.”

The little wrinkle of contemplation in Eiji’s forehead isn’t exactly reassuring.

“They’ll love me.” He says smugly. Eiji tsks at his false confidence.

“It’s kind of infuriating how much they like you already. They don’t know what I have to deal with.”

“Aw. I’m not that much of a handful, am I~?” He asks in a teasing tone.

Eiji just pretends to zip his lips and makes an angry muffled “hmmnghh!” noise in retaliation.

Ash can’t help but laugh.

***

_As he leans over Eiji’s limp body he can feel the tears falling from his eyes, a startling contrast to the anger that was spreading through every cell in his body, he’ll catch the motherfucker that got away, and when he fucking does-_

_Eiji coughs up blood, Ash pushes down on his wound. The concrete room is empty except for them. It’s just them, it’s only them alone in this place. There’s no one else. No one he can call for help or ask to get an ambulance. Like hell was he going to leave him like this._

_“A-ash …” Eiji says weakly, his eyes slowly lose their light as he reaches a blood soaked hand up to touch his face and smear his cheek as it falls back down._

_“No …”_

_“You did this.”_

_Eiji’s left staring up at the ceiling after he says it. Eyes blank and lifeless._

_“Eiji …? Eiji?!”_

“Ash? Ash … you’re dreaming …”

He hears him, it’s faint at first.

He feels Eiji pushing his forehead against his shoulder, “please wake up ...” he says in a voice that’s only half awake.

Ash sits up, sighs and turns towards him to brush his knuckles against his cheek.

“Thank fuck it was just a dream.”

“I’m glad you woke up. You were calling me this time … nightmare … again … wanna talk about it?”

“No, it’s okay.” Ash wraps his arms around him and pulls him closer to feel him real and alive in his arms. “Go back to sleep.”

Eiji just makes a soft sound of compliance and drifts off immediately again. The tears don’t stop falling as he reminds himself again that none of that was real. He’s thankful that he can stop to cry right now instead of actually having to figure out how he’s going to rush Eiji to the hospital.

The other boy looks so peaceful sleeping in his arms, he can’t help but smile as he watches him for a bit to help replace the previous image he had of him passing out from a gunshot wound.

His phone buzzes then. Maybe he could use this distraction of texting someone back right now after all. He’s sure the guys are also worried about him, and he had to tell Sing about how right he was to be pissed at him the day Eiji left.

He picks up his phone and his eyes widen in shock when he see it’s from a mysterious number.

Two words appear on the screen that makes his heart drop to his feet.

Unknown number _: **It’s Golzine.**_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate cliff hangers.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! And thank you all for waiting patiently on the next chapter! I hope that this wasn't as bad as waiting for the last one. There aren't any warnings for this one, but if someone feels like I need to add some, as always, please tell me. I take triggers and stuff like that very seriously. Hope you all enjoy!

_“Dad:” **Are you okay?**_

Max texts him again. It’s the first thing he asks in response to Ash showing him a screenshot of the text message that he got last night. The question makes his blood boil because, _no_ , he’s obviously not fucking okay. 

He’d started today hallucinating ( _again_ ), he was on his way to meet Eiji’s parents right now, and most importantly he’s not even sure if he’s even capable of tracing where that text came from. He can’t begin to think of who that could be, and even if he could find out, what resources does he have in Japan? What crew does he has to fight them if they come after him?

What if they know he’s with Eiji? What if they try to hurt him?

At least he knows it actually _is_ someone in Japan. It has to be someone here, because they were able to text him directly. There was no text that prompted for international charges, and it wasn’t a text from a free messaging app like the one he uses to keep in contact with Max, Sing, and the boys. It feels futile but he still tries to wrack his mind with who it could be. There’s no way that someone followed him.

There’s no way it could be Golzine. He’s dead.

He’s _dead_.

He feels his entire chest shake when the thought enters his mind.

He watched him fall to his death.

There’s no possible way he could’ve survived a fall like that … into surging flames?!

There’s no way he’s alive.

 _You:_ **Anything but.**

_“Dad:” We’ll figure this out Ash._

So many things were running through his head, and figuring out how to deal with _that_ was nowhere close to the finish line, it’s definitely coming in last as something he wasn’t expecting to deal with in this relay race. This was supposed to be a safe place for them.

He’s not entirely sure if he wants to tell him.

He hasn’t even told him about what happened the day he fought off that dead mercenary, nor how Golzine wound up throwing himself off of the fucking building before he got the chance to kill him with his own two hands. Sick bastard couldn’t even give him that, and even now, after everything, there was a chance that he could be alive somewhere?

God sure has a sick fucking sense of humor.

He knows that eventually he has to share it because he can’t keep doing this to him, keeping secrets like this, acting strange, pushing him away. He was supposed to be working on tearing his walls _down_ and letting him in.

The question that Max asked him comes back into his mind and puts him in an iron grip.

Is he okay?

He wanted to be okay. Not constantly asked if he is because there’s always something wrong with him. There’s always something going on with him, and there never seems to be any end in sight to this torture and suffering that’s parading around under the disguise known as his life.

The drive to Eiji’s parent’s house feels too short, Eiji’s pulling up into their driveway before he even has the chance to protest, or come up with another excuse for why he’s not ready to see, or talk to them. When they step out of Eiji’s car, Ash takes a deep breath and leans against the passenger door. Eiji comes to stand next to him, he leans against the car too, and lets out a soft sigh through his nose as he looks at the house in front of them.

“We probably aren’t going to be here long, I told them we made plans to go somewhere else.”

“We did?”

“Yeah. At our other home of course.”

Ash smiles softly, then takes a hold of Eiji’s hand and intertwines their fingers. His heart flutters yet again from Eiji claiming his home as _theirs_ , rather than just the place that Ash lives.

“And they’re okay with that? You staying out so late with a stranger ...?”

Eiji does eventually turn to look at him. His eyes are warm, and calm, and patient. They _almost_ set Ash at ease.

“You’re nervous huh? Usually your teasing is way more witty and obnoxious.”

He can feel his heart pounding, he hopes it flies out of his chest just so that he doesn’t have to live through this. Nervous was an understatement, and it wasn’t just anxiety from that text. There’s a small voice that won’t shut up in the back of his mind about how obvious it is that Eiji’s family hates him. When he goes in there they’ll greet him with smiles and make him feel welcome, but then, when he least expects it, they’ll turn on him. They’ll pull out the long list of all the mistakes he made when he was supposed to be protecting their family member.

His buzzing thoughts disperse for a second when he hears Eiji let out a slightly annoyed sigh.

“Let me know when you’re ready to go inside.”

Ash sees red for a moment, he nearly snaps at Eiji for ridiculing him as he turns to glare at him, before stopping himself, and realizing that he was right to be kind of frustrated with him about this. His angry expression melts off his face and his eyes focus on the ground in front of him instead.

“I don’t know why I’m feeling so conflicted.”

“They’re really nice and they’re excited to meet you. I promise. I’ve told them a lot about you-”

_How much did you tell?_

“-they have a pretty good idea of who you are … I mean … my mom was worried because when I first got back home, I had a lot of nights where I just couldn’t stop crying about you … and then when you were in the hospital … well … I burdened them with my emotions then too. I was a little out of control with stress because I was so worried-”

“-Stop.” Ash commands. “Stop, it’s okay to feel all of that. Don’t call yourself a burden. Stop making it sound like you did something wrong, or any of what happened was your fault.”

“None of it was your fault either,” he holds Ash’s hand, “you didn’t exactly _ask_ to get stabbed.”

“And you didn’t ask for everything else that came with knowing me. I’m the one responsible, and they hate me, not you.” Ash says the last part under his breath. He’s pretty sure Eiji hears it because there’s a pause before he stands in front of him, eyes chastising and serious.

“There’s something more going on with you, and you’re not talking to me about it. Fine. It’s okay to be nervous, or not want to go in there today if you feel like you can’t. I won’t force you.” Ash nearly flinches at his tone, “But don’t sit here and assume my family doesn’t like you before we even step foot through that door. They know about how many times you’ve saved me too, and believe me when I say, they’ve been really understanding about the situation.”

Ash’s eyes widen, he then looks down, ashamed.

“If we go in there to meet them today they’re going to love you. My mom already started going on a little about ‘ _how much I’ve learned from you_ ’ while I was there. She says there’s a kind of … courage and passion in me … that wasn’t here before, and I think she might ... ” a soft pink blush dusts his cheeks when he pauses and his eyes soften, “…I think she might know how much I like you.”

Ash looks up at him and smirks. “Oh? So you _do_ like me?”

“How about we correct it to I don’t know if I should like you as much as I actually do then.”

Ash just hums as Eiji brings Ash’s hands up to kiss the back of it. They stare into each other’s eyes before Eiji lets his hand go to gently cup Ash’s face instead and pull him in for a gentle kiss. The electrifying feeling from earlier sparks through Ash’s body again when he does. He can’t even think about the fact that they’re doing this in Eiji’s parent’s driveway right now. All he can register is the pressure of Eiji’s lips on his. Their foreheads press together after Eiji pulls away, hands still on his cheeks. His eyes are lidded as they flicker from Ash’s lips back up to his eyes repeatedly.

“I think that you feel like my burden, when in reality, you’ve given me so much strength. I know that’s gonna be hard to get through to you, because you keep blaming yourself for everything, but stop bullying yourself. Please. I like you. I want to be with you. I love being with you … like this …” Eiji wraps his arms around Ash’s waist and pulls him closer. “Nothing is going to change that. Even if my family didn’t like it, I think I’d fight to be with you all the same.”

For some reason this leaves him blushing more than the heated kisses that they’d shared alone in his apartment. Eiji’s tone is soft, rumbly, and private. The way he talks to him sends chills down his spine.

That did calm him down, but apart of him feels bad for needing this validation in the first place. The other part hates how vulnerable Eiji is being with him right now, because he still can’t offer the same sentiment in return because of the secret he’s currently keeping.

He opens his mouth to say something, but stops himself. A patient smile just tugs at Eiji’s lips, his eyes are full of concern but they also tell Ash not to push himself too hard. One step at a time.

“We’ve been standing out here too long. I’d rather go inside than they come and get us.” Ash gently and playfully pushes him away.

Eiji smiles at his newfound confidence. He grabs Ash’s hand again as he turns to walk up to his family’s house and unlock the door, and then in a tone he’d never heard him use before, and so loud that it actually startles Ash, Eiji lets out:

**“Tadaima!”**

In the same moment all Ash can see is long black hair before he feels Eiji let go of his hand and sees a mysterious figure wrapping their arms around his waist.

Ash has to blink twice with how fast it happened before he registers _oh … this must be Kaede._ She’s bounding excitedly, and talking exceptionally fast in Japanese. Eiji is somehow keeping up with all of this because he’s managing to respond to her.

“Hi! Are you Ash Lynx?!” The little girl leans over to look at him still attached to her brother’s waist. She really looks like someone hit copy and paste on Eiji now that he takes a good look at her, they’re basically twins, she’s just a lot smaller than him with long dark hair.

“Uhm …” Ash is stunned at the sheer amount of energy she brought to the room, his brain just now processes that she had almost knocked Eiji over, and that he was trying to pry her off of him, and that she was now asking him whether or not he was the person attached to the name Ash Lynx. For some reason, it all felt like a surreal blur.

“Yes. It’s- it’s nice to … finally meet you. Eiji has talked about you a lot.”

“Whoa …” she says with a dazed kind of wonder, “you look way better than the photos!”

“Please let go of me.” Eiji deadpans.

“What? Why? I missed my big brother.” She pouts and buries her face in his stomach. Ash isn’t sure of what to say or do. Eiji just sighs.

“I told you she was anything but cute.”

Ash chuckles at that, “she’s kind of cute though.” He smiles at her.

She blushes, and then shyly lets out, “Th-Thank you.”

“Oh brother.” Eiji says as he proceeds to walk forward, with his sister still attached to him. Ash slowly follows them both. “Mom! Dad! Ash is here!”

“Coming! Sorry!” They hear a woman’s voice from somewhere in the house.

“Come on in Ash.” Eiji says as he trudges forward slowly on account of the extra weight he has to carry around now. His mom comes walking down the stairs quickly. The first thing Ash notices is how fierce she looks. Her eyes are sharp, and determined, but also warm and doting, especially when she looks at her son. She's small, shorter than Ash, shorter than Eiji, but that doesn't stop her from permeating strength and power. She walks up to her son and kisses his cheek before joining Kaede in the hug.

“Ugh … mom … not you too.”

“You’re dad is actually going to be late coming from work today, he’s not home yet.” Eiji lets out a soft _yeah, yeah, please, you’re both heavy now_ in response to her before she does let him go and turns to Ash instead. “Hello, you must be Ash, it’s so nice to finally meet you.”

Ash can’t help but notice Eiji’s mom is where he gets his warm disposition from, the woman can also light up a room with her smile.

Ash bows respectfully, “thank you for allowing me to be here Okumura-san.”

“Oh, yeah, I like him already. Eiji has told us a lot about you, it’s nice to finally see someone he looks up to so much face to face. Thank you for saving his life so many times as well. I’m sorry if my son brought you trouble.”

Anxiety and pride strike him all at once with the straightforward statement.

“It was uh … nothing.” He says shyly as he blushes and stands to rub the back of his neck shyly.

“Hey … I saved Ash a few times too, he doesn’t need all the credit.”

“Of course.” She pinches his cheek, making Eiji whine in response. “Ei, you two might miss your father tonight if you’re not staying long. He’s going to be late coming from work today. We’d have you stay with us Ash, but Eiji has told me you two have other plans.”

“He also has his own place, and he could stay with me too, you know. I think it’s best he stay away from Kae anyway, who knows how she’d torture him.” He says while he briefly pinches her nose causing it to wrinkle up.

“ _Hey!_ ”

“And you still haven’t let go of me!”

“I don’t want to!”

Their mom just shakes her head.

Ash didn’t expect this level of lively, but he’s happy with it nonetheless. It’s the type of lively that relaxes him.

“Seems like I’m not the one who has to worry about being tortured.”

“She’s just shy right now.” Eiji finally peels her off of him, which leaves her pouting, she sticks her tongue out at him and crosses her arms.

“Ash and I really just wanted to say hello, we aren’t going to stay long so … I hope that we can catch dad in the end.”

“Your father will be here, don’t worry,” Eiji looks more worried after hearing that, “This really will be too brief. Maybe we can all go together somewhere later in the week, there’s lots of things to see and do if you’ve never been to Osaka.”

“Yeah, and I plan to take Ash sightseeing so … I’ll let you all know when we go do that.”

“Good!” Eiji’s mom exclaims and she ruffles her son’s hair.

“Mom!”

Eiji’s family is energetic, and warm. Just from the few hours of staying and chatting, and observing, he can see just how much they care about him. Ash begins to feel out of place even if he’s included in every talk, every interaction. He’s never been part of a family before. The family he’d come to know was his gang members, and even among them, he can’t really say he got close to anyone except Shorter. Griffin had been out of it for years after he returned with that cursed drug in his system. He’d hated his father for a long time, that is, up until their last few moments together where the man almost died in his arms.

… And … his mother …

He’d begun to believe that she never loved him a long time ago. Her abandonment speaks volumes. Eiji tried to comfort that part of him, and help him come to terms with it, but he refuses to believe it now. He’d just been cursed to be born without proper love. His mind flashes back to the nightmare he had where he was searching for her until the sound of Eiji’s mother’s voice snaps him back to reality,

“I think your father’s home. He showed up a little early.”

Ash feels his stomach drop for the 50th time that day. This was the man that thought of him as … well actually now that he thinks about … Eiji didn’t clarify. He looks over to his boyfriend whose currently fidgeting in his seat.

That’s reassuring.

He looks like he’s debating standing up, and Ash isn’t sure if that’s because he’s trying to run _to_ or _away_ from his father. If it’s away he needs to take Ash with him. The sound of Eiji’s mother’s bright laughter and chatter is drowned out by his hyperawareness of the doorknob turning, and then the door opening. Based on those sounds, there really isn’t any time for either of them to run.

Eiji’s dad looks tired when he walks in, but Ash notices his face light up when he sees his son sitting on the couch in the living room. He’s … not even one shred of intimidating. The man looks like the very definition of _tranquil_ and _calm_. When he walks over to lively chatter, he lets everyone know he’s home, they all greet him with joy in response. He looks to Ash with a smile so gentle and warm it almost feels like it tears Ash’s heart apart. Ash stands up to bow, and then afterwards, Eiji’s dad extends his hand to shake. He accepts.

“We finally meet. Eiji has told us a lot about you. I’m glad you’ve seemed to make yourself feel welcome.”

“Dad … hey …” Eiji says absent-mindedly as if he didn’t notice he walked in.

“It’s been a while since you last visited Eiji.” His dad ruffles his hair, “You have to stop by more.”

“I … I know.”

His dad smiles again.

“There’s something I’d like to talk to Ash about, alone, if you all don’t mind.”

Ash thought he was anxious before.

He’s sure his body is having a full blown heart attack now.

***

They’re just in the kitchen, but Ash can’t help but feel the same kind of stomach drop he had when he’d been kidnapped and thrown in a van.

“You kids are brave. You’ve been through so much, too early.” His tone isn’t filled with pity or disgust, more so an undeniable sense of compassion, and understanding, and … respect? As Ash takes a good look at him, he notices that though Eiji looks like his mom, his mannerisms and personality are very similar to his dad. “His mother and I talked about it. We just wanted to let you know that you’re always welcome here with us. You’re always welcome into our home.” His eyes hold a gentle reminder of that alongside his words. He’s genuine, just like Eiji, and a little part of him wonders if he’ll ever stop being frightened of all this sincerity, an even bigger part is overcome with joy and relief. In a strange way he could feel the inner child that he was never able to save yearn for the safety that he feels standing next to Eiji’s dad, and talking with a parental figure that he can feel safe with. Ash blushes and looks down at his shoes when he realizes that’s what he’s feeling.

“T-thank you.” He smiles and feels himself still at a loss for any other words which he can’t help but feel awkward about.

“I know you two have to go soon. Just know you can come back whenever you like, and Ash, thank you.”

He’ll never be sure of why they consider him a hero, but … he’ll take this for now. This was _way better_ than everyone hating him.

Eiji’s dad walks over to his son after that, and gives him a side hug from where he’s sitting on the couch.

“You seem nervous. Did something happen?” His tone is teasing and knowledgeable, like he knows something that Eiji thinks he doesn’t know.

“N-no.” Eiji stands up and breaks out of his dad’s grasp. “Everything is fine. We should get going. It’s getting late, but I’m glad we caught you. We’ll talk later, okay?” His dad smiles when Eiji says that. “We’ll probably see you all again soon since I’ll be taking Ash to explore and get to know the area he’s in and everything.”

“Oh, sounds like fun. I know Kaede is probably excited for that.” He shoots her a knowing look before she whines,

“Dad! Stop … that’s embarrassing.”

Eiji can’t help but laugh at that before he sticks his tongue out at his sister who returns the gesture.

They say good-bye, Ash can’t help but feel happy about the fact that it’s somewhat bitter sweet.

***

Eiji is quiet when they get back, and he still looks worried. He’d looked worried the entire drive back. Like he couldn’t stop thinking about something. Ash could feel it permeating off of him still when he walks through their door and flops himself onto Ash’s leather couch.

“So it’s my turn to ask what’s going on with you, huh?”

Eiji sighs and drags his hands down his face.

“My dad is really worried, so I was too. I didn’t know how him talking to you was gonna go.”

“He seems like a nice guy.”

“He wasn’t the one I was worried about.” He looks over at Ash.

Ash stares back, before he turns around and pretends to be searching for the person that _must_ be standing behind him.

“Me?”

He gets a solemn nod.

“Why would you have to worry about _my_ reaction to something like that?”

“Well … I-” He looks away, “Remember when I told you I shared a lot with them … when I was depressed and panicking?”

“Yeah …”

“When I say a lot … I mean like … _a lot_ … a lot as in everything …”

“Yeah … okay.” He wasn’t getting this.

“I mean like … _a lot_ about you too. Not just the parts of your life that involved me. So they know … all of … that other stuff …”

Oh.

_Oh._

“You were worried about how I’d feel with you telling my story.” Ash goes to sit on the couch where Eiji’s feet are at. He lifts Eiji’s legs up before he sits down on the couch and rests them on his thighs.

“Well, I was worried about a lot of things with that. How they’d see you, and then .. how you’d feel about me telling strangers about all of that. It’s something you’re always trying to run away from. That past you- that you can’t escape and I brought so much of it here to them when I felt like I needed- …” Eiji stops, his voice shakes with the threat of tears, “ … and I feel like I’m always … relying on someone and dragging them down … you … them …”

“It’s okay. Breathe.” Eiji sits up next to him then, and leans forward.

“You’re saying that, but now they’re the same as everyone else. Maybe it’s not with disgust or the intent to kill but … I mean I was worried about how you’d feel about the pity because that can also be-”

“You’re thinking way too much about me, not enough about yourself, and what you needed from them, then, and now.” Eiji is quiet. “Though I appreciate the consideration, if the situation were reversed, I couldn’t imagine how I’d feel, or what I’d do. I have a crazy past, but there seems to be a lot weighing on you as well. I’m not angry at you for sharing that with the people that make you feel safe and like they can help you.” As he speaks Ash begins to feel something crawl up his back. These talks like this … too similar to when he started opening up, and then having Eiji taken immediately away from him again. His brain yells at him to be afraid, to be on guard because he’d have to kill someone soon, he tries to shake it off, but it doesn’t go away. Why is his brain trying to have another episode now of all times. “Parts of this are definitely … _reminiscent_ for me in a bad way, but that isn’t your fault. It’s not your family’s. Even if they did look at me with pity, that’s a hell of a lot better than the other looks people have given me …”

“I … I might have told them that you’ve killed people too … like … like Arthur.”

“Oh.”

Yeah that’s a tricky one.

“When your dad talked to me he didn’t seem to judge me for that. He just told me that I’m welcome at your home anytime … and he … well he meant it. It wasn’t just pity, he meant it the way that you mean things …”

“Oh … Good.” Eiji sighs.

“You don’t seem happy.”

“These past few days have just been … overwhelming. So I guess I’m just feeling the weight of everything right now, and it’s hard to stop.”

“I see.” Ash says and gently runs his hands through Eiji’s hair until he leans into his touch and then on to his shoulder. “I’m alright, you’re thinking way too much about this.”

He can feel the smile in Eiji’s voice before he hears it, “You finally meant that one.”

“Yeah.” Ash smiles too. “Sure did.” His smile dies on his lips when he remembers what he has to share. “Well, kinda.”

“Huh? Kinda?”

“... Yeah …”

“What do you mean kinda?”

“I have to … tell you something.” He places his hand on Eiji’s shoulder and pulls him closer to him.

“You’re tense.”

“I am.” He says as he pulls out his phone and pulls up the message to show Eiji. “I don’t want to hide things like this from you anymore. Not here. Not when we’re supposed to feel safe so I’ll … I’ll explain everything. I don’t want to hide this from you, and try to take care of it alone. Not again.”

Eiji sits up and looks at him when he says that.

“Again …?”

“This.”

He hands Eiji is his phone with the text message on the screen.

“Like I said, I’ll explain … everything.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like this one, the next chapter is already being worked on. So I promise the wait for the next chapter won't be that long and we'll all get our closure :P.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi-hi~ <3!  
> Thank you for waiting patiently for the next chapter.  
> Due to my absence, I'll probably be adding a sixth one.  
> I hope that this chapter suffices for now.
> 
> Please read these before you proceed:  
> \- This chapter is really sad.  
> \- Lots of Ash's flashbacks to being held hostage, sexual assault, and abandonment.  
> \- There are a few scenes where Ash gets pretty aggressive too
> 
> Overall I hope you enjoy, I just thought I'd post this, and I'm working on lots of other stuff so stay tuned loves.

Waking up next to him is peaceful and effortless, Ash is sure he had a dreamless sleep because this is too perfect to not feel like a dream.

He watches Eiji sleep for a moment, long dark lashes fluttering over his cheeks, his breathing is even and gentle.

Despite the tranquility of the moment, Ash had to acknowledge, this was one of those moments where dating didn’t feel right.

After everything, after fighting every force in the universe that seemed to have fought against them to be with him.

Things just didn’t feel _right_.

Living has always been a struggle for Ash, and it’s difficult to teach an old dog new tricks. Eiji is a good trainer, but he knows himself to be a stubborn ass mutt. At the very least his hyperactive brain is.

There was also the overwhelming realization of even if they were in Japan now, even if they were supposedly safe, Ash always felt like he had to be on guard. He felt threatened everywhere they went. Especially with someone or something that was connected to Golzine being out to get them. They don’t even know where this person could be, but Eiji told him it doesn’t mean they have to stop living, at least until they can figure things out.

So they go about as normal, or at least, as normal as Ash can act when he feels like he’s under pressure.

He was always on guard, always on watch whenever they leave the house. They could be visiting a small shop down the street and his mind would play horrific images like a video, someone coming out of nowhere to pull a gun on them, or the shop owner pulling one out himself and shooting Eiji through the chest and all Ash could do was watch-

“I think you should try these today.” Eiji returns to where Ash is standing in one of the aisles and shows him the strange Japanese candy (well strange to him), that he will never understand, but accepts anyway, because it’s Eiji.

“Why do I have a feeling it’s going to taste just as bad as last time.” He deadpans.

“Last time I was playing a joke on you.”

“Oh?” He raises an eyebrow, “and this time is different?”

“Hmmm …” Eiji says as if he wasn’t responsible for answering the question. It pisses Ash off, but in a good way.

“I’m taking your word for it, even if I know that I’ll regret it,” he gives Eiji an irritated look, then sighs heavily and gives him a concerned one, “I want to go home as soon as possible if we can.”

Eiji’s empathetic dark brown eyes grow heavy with worry. He already knows what it means.

“Okay, I just need a few more things, and we can leave.” He smiles at Ash reassuringly, grabs his hand and holds it tight as he brings Ash with him to the next aisle. The feeling grounds him and brings him peace. He slowly brings their hands up to kiss the back of Eiji’s palm as he ponders which flavor of pocky he wants to get.

***

Sometimes it was worse in public, there were moments where even the smallest conflicts could escalate if Eiji couldn’t calm him down.

“You’re reservation is for a later time, you guys showed up a little too early so move out of the way so that I can help the customers who actually follow the rules.”

“ **Say that to him one more time.** ” Ash says in perfect Japanese.

“Hey, Ash-”

He leans forward on the host stand and stares the host in the eyes. Eiji would recognize that threatening stance anywhere, he was ready for more than just an argument, Ash was ready to threaten someone, to fight.

“ **You’re going to apologize to him**.” He says as a command. In that tone that Eiji recognizes as “ _I’m ready to kill someone_.”

“ **Ash**.” Eiji says in a stern voice. He doesn’t turn away from the stare down he’s having with the restaurant staff but he does relax his shoulders just a little bit, an acknowledgment that he had heard the tone in Eiji’s voice.

“Let’s just go somewhere else, okay? Come on.”

He gently tugs on his arm. And eventually pulls him away.

Sometimes it would be the subtlest form of manipulation.

“You think this is a game? You told us the price was lower than that before.” He says to the anxious store clerk that he had pressed up against the wall.

“Ash! Please!”

“What do you think you can just use us like that for our money? We’re not your fucking puppets.”

“I- that’s just store policy s-sir.”

“You really need to calm down! You’re acting ridiculous!” Eiji pulls him off the store clerk before Ash can punch him. “We’re leaving! Now!”

***

If all of this wasn’t coming out in their waking life it would certainly show in his dreams.

_He can’t speak, he can’t cry, he can’t even see. All he can do is sit in that miserable fucking wheelchair as a fucking hostage and wait. Wait until someone can save him from the mess that he created._

_He feels himself being picked up._

_He already knows where he’s being taken. The bedroom again._

**_No. I don’t want to_ ** _. A small part of him thinks quietly_

**_Just kill me. Kill me. I’d rather die._ **

**_Why won’t this world just ki_ ** _-_

He opens his eyes to look into Eiji’s startled ones. He can’t feel anything at first, he can’t hear anything. All of his senses are dulled just like in his dream. After a couple seconds he registers that he’s panting because he’s out of breath, that he’s sweating so much because he’s terrified. He begins to register his environment but his eyes dart around anyway searching for something, searching to make sure he’s safe, that Eiji’s safe.

Eiji is quiet, just stares at him, slowly reaches for him, he almost flinches away, but instinctively he leans into his touch and begins to calm down.

“It’s me Ash, It’s just me.”

His breathing slows, his panting devolves into soft pathetic whimpers, which evolve into quiet sobs.

“Why do I keep ending up back there? I’m not there anymore. So why?”

“Shh, it’s okay. Breathe, don’t think about it too much focus on me, focus on where we are, focus on you."  
Eiji voice is deathly calm, Ash must be hysterical for him to sound like that. “It’s okay Aslan.”

That sets him at ease, Eiji using his real name. It hits almost instantaneously that they’re finally in a safe place when he does. His sobs still, his eyes close, his face becomes serene and quiet.

Once the fear dies down, he winds up exhausted. He almost passes out instantaneously in Eiji’s arms.

Sometimes it would get even worse in the safety of their own home. He’d go there to escape it, but,

It doesn’t matter if he’s not there anymore, it doesn’t matter if no one is touching, if no one wants to use him, if he no longer has to figure out how to use others in the most disgusting ways possible just to survive.

Everything is still there.

None of it can be erased from his mind and he has to accept that. He’s the one who has to deal with the lingering consequences of Golzine, of Shorter, of Jennifer, of Arthur, of people’s names he didn’t even know.

Even when his computer-like brain is telling him that none of it is real. It doesn’t change the fact that sometimes while he and Eiji are doing mundane things, like cooking or chores, he freezes up, and starts shivering because all he can see is blood on his hands. It was like he was being pulled into a different dimension. Even when Eiji calls his name, and wraps his arms around him, and tells him it’ll be okay, it doesn’t stop it. He still sees it, still feels the life of all the people’s he’s killed or who’s deaths he’s responsible for leaving their bodies.

They were working on getting him to go see someone, but it hasn’t happened, partially because it’s hard to find a good psychologist, but also because Ash isn’t sure if he’s ready to start talking about everything yet. To start opening up old wounds so that they can heal again. The pain would be too much before the healing process can begin, or so he thinks, so he hesitates. He stalls. Tells Eiji he’ll go when he’s ready even though he’s not really sure if he’s ever in this lifetime going to be ready.

The worse part wasn’t even the daytime fantasies, it was the nightmares.

They hadn’t stopped ever since they’d gotten here.

They all went back to his childhood now … where it all started with the first man who raped him and then blamed him for everything. Looking into his father’s eyes as he told him it was his fault too. Not being able to tell anyone else and have them believe him.

Sometimes he even dreams about the trauma he’d never even directly experienced like his mother abandoning him. He’d dream about wandering on endlessly as a child looking for her. Surrounded by dark nothingness. Crying and asking for help, asking her, someone to find him in a place where no one can hear him scream.

Eiji wraps his arms around Ash’s shoulders and holds him from behind. Ash pauses in his crying for just a moment and lets out a soft gasp.

His body feels unsafe, but his mind was telling him that for once there was someone nearby who could make him feel like he wasn’t.

“It’s not real.”

How is he still a prisoner even when he’s safe, even when he’s okay. The past wounds still haunt him.

He realizes he doesn’t feel alone when Eiji is around. He doesn’t feel trapped.

He feels free.

Someone who wanted nothing from him.

The one person who wasn’t like everyone else. Like everything else that kept him chained. This is what kept him sane.

They can’t go back to that world.

Not yet.

He just wanted to stay like this, a little longer before he does his serious digging.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This song has helped me through my worse times, I wish I could share it with Ash: [Keep Going](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KjOHcK9unZE)

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea why I've posted another multichapter fic, I'm bad with multchapter fics. This one should be regularly updated pretty frequently since for once I did plan ahead and it's ... probably not gonna be that long.


End file.
